just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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