Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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