Moan for me like Helen Keller
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
