Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
