Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
