I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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