he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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