girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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