I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
