it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
