I want to make a zoo with you.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize