Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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