i think my tv is drunk
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
ttyl tear gas
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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