You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
