is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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