I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
