she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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