You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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