oh god the rape fog is back!
It's Friday. Sex?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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