Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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