you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
