I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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