i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
