Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
