I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
