Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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