for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
