2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
