just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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