Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
