Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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