Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
