there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
