Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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