So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
