Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I want her autograph on my taint
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
