Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You pole danced in your parka.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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