I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
