its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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