tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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