I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
