Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Is it penis luge time yet?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
