I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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