Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
