I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
