Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
