I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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