2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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