Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just blew my weed a kiss
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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