Joe is yelling at the trees again.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
