And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
