I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
