Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
