So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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