who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
