A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
