also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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