I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
