Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
